There is a question floating around our societal psyche, one I posed in a previous article: what does it mean to be a good man, to be man enough? Today, men seem to be in their “flop era.” They are graduating college and highschool at lower rates than women (Reeves), are living with their parents longer than before (Luscomb), their social circles are shrinking (Men’s Social Circles are Shrinking), and they commit suicide at higher rates than before- with the largest increase by 8% in men ages 15-24 (Suicide increases in 2021 after two years of decline). So, what is going on with men? Now more than ever, it is vital we listen to the young men of our society and hear their thoughts on the subject. Therefore, I had a couple conversations about masculinity with some male students, between the ages of 16-18, from the Village School. The questions I asked them, ranging from topics of responsibility to love, illuminated some possible answers to this quandary.
What does it mean to be a good man?
All the boys I interviewed answers’ circulated around the recurring themes of respect, integrity, protection, and providing for one’s loved ones. “I expect men to be loyal and have honor,” said senior Sam Cleminson. “To be dependable. To do the right thing and have a good moral compass.”
“I think a good man strives to be respectful, nice but not a pushover,” elaborated Junior Enrico Monte. “He protects the people he is with, especially women.” In our discussion, the word “protect” seemed to cause quite a stir as the concept of strength, whether emotional or physical, appeared essential to the quality of “protector” and thus to manhood itself. Some of the boys believed that, unlike women who are more dependent on men for their protection, it was a man’s job to be strong physically because he was independent from other men’s protection. Beyond physical strength, control over one’s emotions was also an agreed upon, key component of being a “good man.” “A good man should be strong emotionally. Being weak at times is good, but I don’t think a good man lets his emotions control him. He is aware of them and feels them, but doesn’t let them dictate his life. You should do the right thing beyond your emotions,” said Senior Gustavo Armendariz.
What do you wish more boys would do or be?
“Some guys should be more courteous and compassionate. I wish that they would drop the facade of aggressiveness and fakeness, that they wouldn’t be scared of people not accepting them. Not part of the “guy culture” all the time,” said Cleminson.
What do boys think of the term “locker room talk”?
When the conversation shifted towards the topic of “locker room talk,” commonly defined as boastful, lurid, conversation that can refer to sexual conquests, participants became uncomfortable. “When I hear the phrase locker room talk, I live in a very privileged environment so the worst I think of is a little bit of “wrong” and “dirty” jokes. I assume girls say the same things. But, I see how it can be problematic. I see how in other groups it could be a lot worse” elaborated Monte.
What do you talk about with most of your guy friends?
Lots of the boys admitted they felt like they hadn’t had any genuine conversations with their guy friends in quite a while. That most of their conversations revolved around sports, video games, gossip, and women. “I can’t remember the last genuine conversation I had with a guy friend. We only talk about sports, girls, stupid decisions we have made, and some life experiences,” Berbain admitted. I then asked about the genuine conversation of mental health and whether it was a topic they were comfortable discussing with each other. “I don’t like talking about my mental health at all. It’s been presented to me that men shouldn’t be depressed or stressed, so that’s just how I am. If it’s a subject I can avoid, I will often avoid it. We try to talk about sports and music and stuff to forget about it,” Philip Masick, a junior, answered hesitantly.
Have you ever been in love and what do you think love means?
When the conversation shifted to discussions of love, immediately there was a mixed response of confusion and laughter. Most of the boys pointed out they hadn’t been in love in a romantic sense but that the term love itself was quite difficult to comprehend or define. They said that love was a deep emotional connection that consisted of: feeling comfortable to be vulnerable, immense care for another, enjoying someone’s presence, and lack of stress. Most agreed that though they were “pretty sure” they had never felt romantic love, they did feel love for their friends. “I have been in love with my friends. They are my family, my brothers. I would do anything for them and I truly have a deep, deep care for them,” confided Armendariz.
What do you like about being a boy?
I concluded the interviews with this question and all were shocked that I had asked it. They felt as though in today’s age of “toxic masculinity” the positive, enjoyable sides of masculinity are often ignored and that masculinity is often demonized. They all remarked that it was the first time anyone had asked them what they liked about this key part of their identity. I was pleasantly surprised with their answers of: simplicity, spontaneity, pride, “chillness”, and the common bond between men. “Guys can chill more than women and live a lot more relaxed lives,” said Monte. Sam Cleminson discussed how he enjoyed the general bond every guy shares with each other, which Gustavo added to saying, “I enjoy the universal head movement. Like a head nod down of respect, I acknowledge you, I see you.” With this comment, everyone burst into laughter.
References
Luscombe, B. (2021, October 5). Men are now more likely to be single than women. It’s not a good sign. Time. https://time.com/6104105/more-single-men-than-women/
Men’s Social Circles are Shrinking. (2021, June 29). The Survey Center on American Life. https://www.americansurveycenter.org/why-mens-social-circles-are-shrinking/
Reeves, R. V., & Smith, E. (2021, October 8). The male college crisis is not just in enrollment, but completion. Brookings. https://www.brookings.edu/blog/up-front/2021/10/08/the-male-college-crisis-is-not-just-in-enrollment-but-completion/
Suicide increases in 2021 after two years of decline. (2022, September 27). https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/pressroom/nchs_press_releases/2022/20220930.htm
